Paraprosdokians

Posted by: KateSorensen

Paraprosdokians - 03/25/13 11:36 AM

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Number 12 is my favorite!


Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are: Figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.

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1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify: I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.


Finally: I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

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Posted by: Leslie

Re: Paraprosdokians - 03/25/13 11:39 AM

Fantastic!
You always come up with great posts.
Posted by: NucleusG4

Re: Paraprosdokians - 03/25/13 12:05 PM

Good ones!

And... I'll contribute a few I just Googled.


I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
Posted by: steveg

Re: Paraprosdokians - 03/25/13 12:25 PM

Stephen Wright is another master...

I worked in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

What's another word for "thesaurus"?

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out.

I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.

I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.

I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

My school colors were clear.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup letter.

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, "The whole time."

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers.

It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?

Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

laugh laugh
Posted by: DLC

Re: Paraprosdokians - 03/25/13 03:09 PM

ALL - those are great ones...

Kate like the speed of light and sound one !! Fits GW to a Tee !!

Nuke - one of my all time Favs is arguing with an idiot ! Fits GW to a Tee !!

Steve the one about strobe lights on my car made me laugh ! I think GW had them put on the Presidential Limo when he was in office !! laugh

Posted by: Stumpy1

Re: Paraprosdokians - 03/25/13 04:17 PM

Hahahaha! Good ones! laugh
Posted by: yoyo52

Re: Paraprosdokians - 03/25/13 05:24 PM

I say about second children what Sam Johnson said about second marriages--The triumph of hope over experience. smile
Posted by: Papa

Re: Paraprosdokians - 03/25/13 06:25 PM

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wide

"If you marry the right woman you will be happy; if not , you will become a philosopher." Socrates
Posted by: MrB

Re: Paraprosdokians - 03/25/13 08:55 PM

We have to change presidents every so often, just like we need to change our underwear. And for the same reason.

Dave
Posted by: MrB

Re: Paraprosdokians - 03/25/13 08:58 PM

These are great, Kate, along with NG4's and Steve's

I love them

Dave
Posted by: KateSorensen

Re: Paraprosdokians - 03/25/13 09:26 PM

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Good ones Steve! smile

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Posted by: NucleusG4

Re: Paraprosdokians - 03/26/13 04:32 AM

And the one I have told for years..


The leading cause of divorce in the United States is........... marriage!
Posted by: steveg

Re: Paraprosdokians - 03/26/13 06:47 AM

You forgot Life is a terminal disease. You start dying the day you're born. eek
Posted by: MrB

Re: Paraprosdokians - 03/26/13 07:39 AM

Or

Don't take life seriously . You will not get out of it alive.

Dave
Posted by: Acumowchek

Re: Paraprosdokians - 03/26/13 08:14 AM

laugh Love it!