Fun time tomorrow for me

Posted by: MrB

Fun time tomorrow for me - 02/25/13 03:40 PM

Well, it's fun today actually sick

Tomorrow early I have a colonoscopy. So today I'm doing the Prep. So fun.

Plus we are to have a blizzard tonight and tomorrow morning. The hospital is 25 miles away. My buddy with a jeep will take me, so will be even more fun getting there. I don't want to postpone it after doing the prep and have to re -do This again.

We are forecasted to have from 5 to 10 inches of snow with winds 35 or so. Delightful

Dave
Posted by: yoyo52

Re: Fun time tomorrow for me - 02/25/13 03:48 PM

Be careful driving there! And good luck.
Posted by: NucleusG4

Re: Fun time tomorrow for me - 02/25/13 04:25 PM

Some things you might say to the doctor:



1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

12. "Boy, now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of all...

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
there?"
Posted by: Stumpy1

Re: Fun time tomorrow for me - 02/25/13 05:08 PM

Too bad we don't have tunnels for driving in that type of weather.

No cracks about "tunnels," Nuke!
Posted by: MrB

Re: Fun time tomorrow for me - 02/25/13 06:25 PM

ROTFLMAOF

Actually, I wish I were right now.

I take Miralax everyday as it helps things along since my surgery. But for my prep for this thing I took a 14 day dose mixed in a quart of Gatorade .

So as I write this I've been on the throne for an hour and twenty five minutes with no end in sight.

No fun. No UN at all

Dave
Posted by: MrB

Re: Fun time tomorrow for me - 02/25/13 06:29 PM

I was sent this by a friend.

Pretty much sums it up. Well almost


ABOUT THE WRITER

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.



Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.



A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.





Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.



I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'



I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.



I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.



Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.



Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.. .



The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result..'



This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground..



MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.



After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.



The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.



At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..



Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.



When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.. I was seriously nervous at this point.



Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.



There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.



'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.



'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.



I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.



Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that IT was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
Posted by: drjohn

Re: Fun time tomorrow for me - 02/25/13 06:45 PM



grin
Posted by: DLC

Re: Fun time tomorrow for me - 02/25/13 07:28 PM

Good Luck, hope the commute goes smooth !!

... and you don't run out of gas !! laugh
Posted by: KateSorensen

Re: Fun time tomorrow for me - 02/26/13 02:58 PM

.

Waiting to hear about how the trip went.

That is if you're not sitting in a snow drift halfway between doctor's office and your home.


.
Posted by: MrB

Re: Fun time tomorrow for me - 02/26/13 03:10 PM

After a rough night with about 45 min of sleep, I got up and performed the "Fleets maneuver ".

While waiting for that to result, I got a call from my ride to te hospital. He said that he had called the highway patrol, who told him that the highways were not safe at all to drive as it was a complete white out. So on the purpose of safety I called the hospital to cancell.

Now will have to do prep again. But it's best to be safe.

Dave
Posted by: Acumowchek

Re: Fun time tomorrow for me - 02/26/13 03:19 PM

Fleets don't fail me now!

Sorry Dave, but better safe than sorry.
Posted by: yoyo52

Re: Fun time tomorrow for me - 02/26/13 03:25 PM

That's a shame, MrB. Having set yourself up, it's hard not to be tunneled. So to speak.
Posted by: KateSorensen

Re: Fun time tomorrow for me - 02/26/13 03:46 PM

.

Heck! Dave, I'm due soon for another poop chute channel exam and I know what you mean about the day before process! I hate it.

The exam procedure itself is sheer delight. Most restful sleep I ever hope to get.

As I watched the news this morning, that snow looked like record making stuff. I think I just heard that it was indeed and broke the standing record.

.
Posted by: Acumowchek

Re: Fun time tomorrow for me - 02/26/13 04:36 PM

The Poo Song
Posted by: MrB

Re: Fun time tomorrow for me - 02/26/13 04:47 PM

Originally Posted By: Acumowchek
Fleets don't fail me now!



Hehehe. I use the original line often. That man was something. Loved his humor.

Dave
Posted by: Stumpy1

Re: Fun time tomorrow for me - 02/26/13 05:33 PM

MrB, firstly, I'm sorry you weren't able to go have your procedure today.

Second, that Dave Barry piece was hilarious! laugh
Posted by: DLC

Re: Fun time tomorrow for me - 02/27/13 04:51 AM

"Complete white out"... was that the roads or you? You're looking a little pale dave ! laugh

Hope it goes better next time... wink
Posted by: MrB

Re: Fun time tomorrow for me - 02/27/13 06:39 AM

Originally Posted By: DLC
"Complete white out"... was that the roads or you? You're looking a little pale dave ! laugh

Hope it goes better next time... wink



Good one. Both now that you mention it

Dave
Posted by: DLC

Re: Fun time tomorrow for me - 02/27/13 06:23 PM

Always Wishin you the best Dave !! smile