Chuck Norris

Posted by: iRock

Chuck Norris - 12/20/05 09:49 AM

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.<br><br>2. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.<br><br>3. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.<br><br>4. MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.<br><br>5. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.<br><br>6. Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.<br><br>7. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.<br><br>8. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.<br><br>9. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.<br><br>10. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f**k with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.<br><br>11. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.<br><br>12. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.<br><br>13. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.<br><br>14. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.<br><br>15. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.<br><br>16. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.<br><br>17. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man; it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.<br><br>18. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.<br><br>19. Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "F**king."<br><br>20. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.<br><br>21. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.<br><br>22. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.<br><br>23. Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhouse kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.<br><br>24. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.<br><br>25. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye! Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.<br><br>26. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.<br><br>27. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".<br><br>28. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.<br><br>29. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.<br><br>30. Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living sh!t out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.<br><br>31. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.<br><br>32. Chuck Norris doesn't shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.<br><br>33. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.<br><br>34. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.<br><br>35. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the sh!t out of little kids.<br><br>36. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".<br><br>37. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "BANG!"<br><br>38. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull. <br><br>oh yeah, that's going in the blog
Posted by: Optimus_George

Re: Chuck Norris - 12/20/05 10:11 AM

ALSO<br><br>39. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.<br><br>40. Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".<br><br>41. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.<br><br>42. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."<br><br>43. Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.<br><br>44. Chuck Norris ate a rubiks cube and pooped it out solved.<br><br>45. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.<br><br>46. Chuck Norris does not have your normal human-style, male nipples. He has a Dodge Ram hood ornament on each pec, and both rams blow smoke out of their noses each and every time he pumps Christy Brinkley.<br><br>47. Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.<br><br>48. The roundhouse kick has been proven to be more deady than kryptonite. The Death of Superman? Yeah, that was from Chuck Norris.<br><br>49. Chuck Norris, when clean-shaven, radiates the heat of three suns.<br><br>50. Chuck Norris is the only one ever in history to stare Medusa straight in the eyes and not be turned to stone. The result was Roseanne Bar.<br><br>
Posted by: iRock

Re: Chuck Norris - 12/20/05 11:02 AM

HAHA! Great love #46<br><br>oh yeah, that's going in the blog
Posted by: Anonymous

Re: Chuck Norris - 12/20/05 11:14 AM

51. Chuck Norris built the Texas Ranger Museum in Waco, Texas, with his own bare beard and included the entire cast of Walker, Texas Ranger. Then he roundhouse kicked Trivette completely out of the exhibition. Yes, there is no Ranger Trivette in the Texas Ranger Museum in Waco.<br><br>I know this, 'cause I've been there. Obviously, there's not a lot to do in Waco.<br><br><br><br><br>[color:blue]And I'm the one that jaded you . . .</font color=blue>
Posted by: Michael

Re: Chuck Norris - 12/20/05 11:23 AM

39 is a repeat of 11. Chuck Norris will hunt you down for this error. In his never ending pursuit of perfection on earth. <br><br>
Posted by: polymerase

Re: Chuck Norris - 12/20/05 12:28 PM

You have to season with a few Chuck clips <br><br> Chuck punches man in bear trap. Hitting the woman after jumping in her car is good too.<br><br> Chuck proposes and gets shot. This tastes like a plane crash is pretty good detective work too.<br><br><br>(As always if Safari does not load WMP just click OK.)<br><br><br><br><br>(__*__) <-- circular sig when standing
Posted by: Optimus_George

Re: Chuck Norris - 12/20/05 03:50 PM

Chuck Norris approved the reiteration of number 11 as number 39. To question Chuck Norris is to invite a roundhouse kick to the skull.<br><br>
Posted by: padmavyuha

Re: Chuck Norris - 12/21/05 01:14 AM

...and who the fük is Chuck Norris, anyway? Oh, some American... with a talking website, no less.<br><br>- padmavyuha<br><br>[color:purple]A lopsided man runs best along the little side-hills of success<br>- Frank Moore Colby</font color=purple>
Posted by: padmavyuha

Re: Chuck Norris - 12/21/05 08:41 AM

Sorry - was in a bad mood when I wrote that...<br><br>- yoxi<br><br>[color:purple]A lopsided man runs best along the little side-hills of success<br>- Frank Moore Colby</font color=purple>
Posted by: Trog

Re: Chuck Norris - 12/21/05 10:23 AM

<br><br>Love the proposes and gets shot one!<br><br>
Posted by: carp

Re: Chuck Norris - 12/21/05 08:24 PM

I never liked Chuck either - in fact I was happy when Bruce kicked his sorry arse<br><br>
Posted by: tpatricks

Re: Chuck Norris - 12/22/05 11:42 AM

Chuck Norris is really Less Nessman and Jennifer Marlowe's love child. Except he was born as a girl and had a sex changer operation. You know; he was such a tough little girl, what with that beard and all.<br><br>tera<br>--<br>Tera Patricks<br>Los Angeles, CA<br>--<br>Mac360-- Home of Tera and Bambi's Mac Talk Palace
Posted by: sean

Re: Chuck Norris - 01/11/06 09:42 PM

ha. i wondered why safari crashed. then i came back and realized you linked to WMP. no wonder. i installed flip4mac. damn!<br><br>--<br>"I am mindful that diversity is one of the strengths of the country" --president bush on 9/27/05
Posted by: yoyo52

Re: Chuck Norris - 01/06/08 09:14 AM

I guess I missed this thread when it came around first time. Thanks for the inspirational tidbits, Shel. I'm going to reverence Chuck from now on as my only . . . my only . . . something.<br><br>&#63743; &#63743; &#63743; &#63743;
Posted by: MrB

Re: Chuck Norris - 01/07/08 01:23 AM

Chuck NOrris was killed by Bruce Lee in one of Bruce's movies. This is a classic fight scene. <br><br>dave<br><br><br><br>
Posted by: Piper_14

Re: Chuck Norris - 01/07/08 04:38 AM

I missed that one-- I think!<br><br>Which Bruce Lee was it?<br><br><br>My Wii: 5721 8516 7937 9434 (PM me if you Wii)
Posted by: OSXaddict

Re: Chuck Norris - 01/07/08 05:12 AM

I believe it was Return of the Dragon. <br><br>my photos
Posted by: Lea

Re: Chuck Norris - 01/07/08 07:29 AM

Well, sure, but he's still alive, so that proves all this other stuff is true.<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br>[color:blue]I always deserve it. Really.</font color=blue><br><br>
Posted by: carp

Re: Chuck Norris - 01/07/08 09:31 PM

[color:blue]I believe it was Return of the Dragon.</font color=blue> <-- you are correct.<br><br>Was great to see Chuck get his asss kicked, he is not that great <-- shote even Van Damm has better moves then Chuck.<br><br>