Joke time? Humor? Truths?

Posted by: KateSorensen

Joke time? Humor? Truths? - 07/03/01 11:43 AM

This does not, of course, apply to any man in this cafe -- just some you might have heard about elsewhere!
__________

Because I am a man:

-- When I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in and I have damaged the vehicle.

-- Because I am a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start."

-- Because I am a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

-- Because I am a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "lady fingers." For all I know these could be the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a eupheminsm.
-- Because I am a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

-- Because I am a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).

-- Because I am a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how in the world could he know where we're going?

-- Because I am a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about, especially while driving quietly. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.

-- Because I am a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

-- Because I am a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine.

-- Because I am a man, and this is, after all, the 2000's, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do all the rest.


Posted by: Anonymous

Re: Joke time? Humor? Truths? - 07/04/01 07:18 AM

Because I am my own man:<br>-- I never lock my keys in the car, but when I see someone with this problem I produce my trusty packing ribbon and never ask for a wire clothes hanger.<br>-- when the car isn't running very well, I will first listen to the engine and try to ascertain what kind of problems the motor may have from the various differences in sound from a normal running engine and make my decisions as to which operational sections of the engine bay I will examine more closely or attempt to repair and often will not bother to lift the bonnet (as we call them here), Since I know my limitations. I will say something to the effect = “she is cooked, we will need a new motor, lock her up and let’s flag a lift to the nearest repairer”.<br>-- when I catch a cold, I usually disappear to lick my own wounds but if someone brings me soup and generally takes care of me, I am always most thankful. I also will help anyone in need whether they have helped me previously or not.<br>--I can be relied upon to do all the grocery shopping as well as shop for all the home maintenance and gardeningrequirements . I can be expected to look for exotic items not normally included in basic groceries as I am an inventive and talented cook. I have no qualms about standing in the queue at the checkout and thae assistant holds up the item and asks the floor manager in a loud voice to get a price on a 24 pack of pads or tampons.<br>--when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, to locate the damaged part and pick up a new part while in town that day in order to be able to replace it promptly and save on the callout fees.<br>--I very rarely watch TV since the Television companies seem to think we are all morons who want to sit and watch crap inbetween the main program of poor taste commercials for inferior products. I usually read the guide and select the programs I want to watch (from a non-commercial station)and either arrange my time accordingly or preset the video to record anything I consider important enough to waste time and money on taping.<br>-- I know that you did not read the map properly and think that if we continue this way then we will be lost. So I am going to stop and ask that person, to see if I am correct. No it does not matter that he is drunk, at least he is going to know his way around here better than you do.<br>--there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about, especially while driving quietly. You already know that I am deaf in that ear and cannot hear and thus it is going to be safer if you leave me alone to concentrate on my driving or drink in the beauty of the Flora and Fauna on the side of the road.<br>--you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I would normally have already elected not to come if it was one of those movies and thus am not there to be asked. BUT... if I was there too and it was a heart wrencher chances are I would be crying too.<br>--I think what you're wearing is fine but I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was sexier than this. Either pair of shoes is fine, but since we are going to a dinner dance,.. don’t you think the flatter shoes would be more comfortable?. Looks better without the belt as it allows your body to fill the clothes naturally. Your hair is beautiful. You look great lets go!.<br>--and this is, after all, the 2000's, I will do all the housework. You just do the ironing of your own work clothes and go to work. I'll do all the rest. <br>•• by the way what do you want for dinner? kiss have a good day.<br><br>
Posted by: KateSorensen

Re: Hey! I know you! - 07/04/01 06:19 PM

from some other place! ;-)<br><br>
Posted by: Anonymous

Re: Hey! I know you! - 07/05/01 12:13 AM

yep `;•)<br><br>
Posted by: Anonymous

Re: Joke time? Humor? Truths? - 07/12/01 05:44 AM

Gee, I dunno. I like going to the store to buy feminin hygene products. I particularly enjoy wearing a pad over my jeans when walking around the local pharmacy to see the reaction, hehe. Back in highschool I decorated the pharmacy Christmas tree with tampons strung from it's boughs. Lovely, but the manager made me take them down. cvnt! Oh well some people are no fun.<br><br>
Posted by: yoyo52

Re: Joke time? Humor? Truths? - 07/12/01 08:15 PM

What was it that the French intellectual avant garde used to say? Epater le bourgeoisie? How very twentieth century.<br><br>And that's true too.--Shakespeare, King Lear
Posted by: Anonymous

Huh? - 07/13/01 07:05 AM

"Stun the middle class?"<br>"Astound the middle class?"<br>or even<br>"Flatten the middle class?"<br><br>By the way, does anyone seriously use the word "bourgeoisie" in conversation any more?<br><br><br>John<br>[color:red]I don't need no steenkin' signature!</font color=red>
Posted by: Anonymous

Re: Huh? - 07/13/01 07:22 AM

nope, just pompous blow hards. But they're needed too.<br><br>Anyway there's hardly anything bourgeoisie about menstruation. Ahh, Classist! You probably think only slutty catholic high school girls use tampons in some vain attempt to simulate the spicy Italian sausage. Well I use them as decoration! So there. <br><br>
Posted by: yoyo52

Re: Huh? - 07/13/01 10:32 AM

Apparently can't read very well, either.<br><br>And that's true too.--Shakespeare, King Lear
Posted by: Anonymous

Danger Using fifty Buck Words - 07/13/01 10:40 AM

[color:green]there's hardly anything bourgeoisie about menstruation.</font color=green><br><br>In this context, it would be "bourgeois". "Bourgeoisie" is a noun. The problem using fifty buck words, especially foreign ones, is that the intended effect dissipates if the word is used wrongly. But hey, that's coming from another blowhard, so take that comment as you will...<br><br>John<br>[color:red]I don't need no steenkin' signature!</font color=red>
Posted by: Anonymous

Re: Danger Using fifty Buck Words - 07/13/01 03:50 PM

yep, I'm feeling light-headed. Though I was hardly striving to be grammatically correct, I see your point. However all things considered, I'd say not too bad for a vulgar peasant. I see no point in speaking french at all (a language who's only purpose is to annoy federalist Canadians) much less doing it correctly. Where are my sarcasm smilies? I need sarcasm smilies, but more so for the pompous bit. <br><br>
Posted by: OSXaddict

Re: Danger Using fifty Buck Words - 07/13/01 04:50 PM

last time I checked there was another country that spoke French..hmmm..where could that be? Perhaps France?!<br><br>Some of us are of French descent, so think before you post, please.<br><br>
Posted by: Anonymous

Re: Danger Using fifty Buck Words - 07/13/01 05:52 PM

France is a country? No way. I though it was just a rest stop for visiting armies! Something new everyday.<br><br>With such a rich history of cutting wit, the french ought to take a joke better than most. <br><br>One question. Why is it that when the rest of the world does dirty we call it porn, and when the french do it we call it erotica? <br><br>Smile, I Iike the french, anyone who gave us fries can't be all bad.<br><br>
Posted by: TreeBeard

Re: Huh? - 07/14/01 11:45 AM

reading through these posts it is easy to see why you guys are all at your computers all the time.... instead of shacked up with a chick...like U-know-who, below<br><br>=============================================================<br>| "Behold the Turtle, he maketh no progress ==== until he sticketh out his neck." |<br>=============================================================
Posted by: Anonymous

Re: Huh? - 07/14/01 04:48 PM

TreeBeard?<br><br>Shannara? Man, I haven't thought of those books since I was a kid. Memories.<br><br>
Posted by: Entish

Re: Huh? - 07/14/01 07:02 PM

hooom hooom<br>yes it is a long time since the days of sitting around a fire in a room full of Gandalf's pipesmoke <br><br>
Posted by: Anonymous

Re: Huh? - 07/15/01 07:15 AM

Doh. LOTR!!! I totally forgot about the Ents. Wow. I think it's time to re-read that series. It was just so much fun when I was a kid, I'm afraid I'll be disappionted this time round.<br><br>
Posted by: Entish

Re: Huh? - 07/15/01 05:31 PM

go on I dare you to read it again and see.<br>I am absolutely positive that you will enoy the experience equally as much or better than you did before.<br>In fact I am positive that you will find out things about the story that you never had visualized before. <br><br>
Posted by: AusMac

Re: Huh? - 07/12/13 05:35 PM

Hello.. We are all still here.
Posted by: Leslie

Re: Huh? - 07/12/13 08:39 PM

I'm enjoying this penetration, and that is not a word I usually use.
Posted by: AusMac

Re: Huh? - 07/12/13 09:15 PM

smile
Posted by: Pirate

Re: Huh? - 07/12/13 09:42 PM

Is someone hoarding old post???
Posted by: KateSorensen

Re: Huh? - 07/12/13 10:59 PM

.
smile


.
Posted by: Stumpy1

Re: Huh? - 07/13/13 07:54 AM

The one about the remote control hit home. grin

The Nothing Box.

Posted by: MrB

Re: Joke time? Humor? Truths? - 07/13/13 10:58 AM

Originally Posted By: Anonymous
Because I am my own man:<br>-- I never lock my keys in the car, but when I see someone with this problem I produce my trusty packing ribbon and never ask for a wire clothes hanger.<br>-- when the car isn't running very well, I will first listen to the engine and try to ascertain what kind of problems the motor may have from the various differences in sound from a normal running engine and make my decisions as to which operational sections of the engine bay I will examine more closely or attempt to repair and often will not bother to lift the bonnet (as we call them here), Since I know my limitations. I will say something to the effect = “she is cooked, we will need a new motor, lock her up and let’s flag a lift to the nearest repairer”.<br>-- when I catch a cold, I usually disappear to lick my own wounds but if someone brings me soup and generally takes care of me, I am always most thankful. I also will help anyone in need whether they have helped me previously or not.<br>--I can be relied upon to do all the grocery shopping as well as shop for all the home maintenance and gardeningrequirements . I can be expected to look for exotic items not normally included in basic groceries as I am an inventive and talented cook. I have no qualms about standing in the queue at the checkout and thae assistant holds up the item and asks the floor manager in a loud voice to get a price on a 24 pack of pads or tampons.<br>--when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, to locate the damaged part and pick up a new part while in town that day in order to be able to replace it promptly and save on the callout fees.<br>--I very rarely watch TV since the Television companies seem to think we are all morons who want to sit and watch crap inbetween the main program of poor taste commercials for inferior products. I usually read the guide and select the programs I want to watch (from a non-commercial station)and either arrange my time accordingly or preset the video to record anything I consider important enough to waste time and money on taping.<br>-- I know that you did not read the map properly and think that if we continue this way then we will be lost. So I am going to stop and ask that person, to see if I am correct. No it does not matter that he is drunk, at least he is going to know his way around here better than you do.<br>--there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about, especially while driving quietly. You already know that I am deaf in that ear and cannot hear and thus it is going to be safer if you leave me alone to concentrate on my driving or drink in the beauty of the Flora and Fauna on the side of the road.<br>--you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I would normally have already elected not to come if it was one of those movies and thus am not there to be asked. BUT... if I was there too and it was a heart wrencher chances are I would be crying too.<br>--I think what you're wearing is fine but I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was sexier than this. Either pair of shoes is fine, but since we are going to a dinner dance,.. don’t you think the flatter shoes would be more comfortable?. Looks better without the belt as it allows your body to fill the clothes naturally. Your hair is beautiful. You look great lets go!.<br>--and this is, after all, the 2000's, I will do all the housework. You just do the ironing of your own work clothes and go to work. I'll do all the rest. <br>•• by the way what do you want for dinner? kiss have a good day.<br><br>


Because I'm a man, I became bored about a quarter of the way through your essay. crazy

Dave
Posted by: Celandine

Re: Huh? - 07/13/13 11:24 AM


BRILLIANT! grin

I hadda' jump over to YouTUBE
so I could hear MORE of the Lecture.
Posted by: drjohn

Re: Huh? - 07/13/13 10:05 PM

Originally Posted By: Stumpy1


The Nothing Box.


laugh