Ham and Cheese

Posted by: Swatcat

Ham and Cheese - 11/09/02 04:39 PM

<br><br>A ham and cheese sandwhich walks into a bar.<br>Sits down at the bar and orders a beer.<br>The bartenders says "Sorry but we don't serve FOOD here."<br><br>I said I was going to still post my sorry @ss jokes <br><br><br><br>
Posted by: margadagio

Re: Ham and Cheese - 11/09/02 05:21 PM

I can always count on you for a chuckle. <br><br>
Posted by: snag

Re: Ham and Cheese - 11/09/02 05:23 PM

A dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender "You're the guy who shot my paw!"<br><br>
Posted by: MachOne

Re: Ham and Cheese - 11/09/02 05:47 PM

<br><br><br>Tatty old bit of rope wanders into a bar and orders a beer. Barman says, "So you'd be a tatty old bit of rope then?"<br><br>"Nope. I'm a frayed knot."<br><br>Badda boom, tisssh.<br><br>
Posted by: snag

Re: Ham and Cheese - 11/09/02 06:01 PM

So the Duck says to the waiter "just put it on my bill"<br><br>
Posted by: Swatcat

Re: Ham and Cheese - 11/09/02 06:17 PM

A horse walks into a bar.<br>Sit down at the bar and orders a beer.<br>The bartender says "So why the long face?" <br><br>
Posted by: iRock

Re: Ham and Cheese - 11/09/02 06:54 PM

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was assaulted.<br><br>The wine urges me on, the bewitching wine, which sets even a wise man to singing and to laughing gently and rouses him up to dance and brings forth words <br>which were better unspoken.<br>Homer
Posted by: snag

Re: Ham and Cheese - 11/09/02 07:07 PM

A guy goes to the doctor<br>"Doc, i have five penises," says the guy<br>the doc asks "So how do your pants fit?"<br>the guy replies "Like a glove"<br><br>
Posted by: Lori

Re: Ham and Cheese - 11/09/02 07:17 PM

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The barman looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.<br>"Tiny" replies the man.<br>"Why's that?" asks the bartender.<br>"Because he's my newt!"<br><br><br>
Posted by: lesh

Re: Ham and Cheese - 11/09/02 07:52 PM

My dog has no nose.<br>Well how does he smell?<br>Pretty bad!<br><br>
Posted by: snag

Re: Ham and Cheese - 11/09/02 08:03 PM

How many ears does Mr. Spock have?<br>Three<br>The left ear<br>The right ear<br>and the final front ear<br><br>
Posted by: Lori

Re: Ham and Cheese - 11/09/02 08:05 PM

Two fisherman are out sailing when suddenly a hand appears in the sea. "What's this?" asked the first fisherman, "It looks as if someone is drowning!"<br>"No," explained the second fisherman, "It's just a little wave." <br><br><br>
Posted by: iRock

Re: Ham and Cheese - 11/09/02 08:21 PM

Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the "men of God," the rival florist across town thought the competion was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her, too. So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving That Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.<br><br>How do you get holy water?<br>Boil the hell out of it.<br><br>What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall?<br>"Dam!"<br><br>What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?<br>Polaroids.<br><br>The wine urges me on, the bewitching wine, which sets even a wise man to singing and to laughing gently and rouses him up to dance and brings forth words <br>which were better unspoken.<br>Homer
Posted by: snag

Re: Ham and Cheese - 11/09/02 08:23 PM

Confucious say:<br><br>Man who make love to woman on side of mountain not on level<br><br>
Posted by: lesh

Re: Ham and Cheese - 11/09/02 08:28 PM

Three vampires walk into a bar. Bartender asks the first one what he'd like - vampire says he'll have a pint of O+. Bartender asks second vampire what he'd like - vampire also says he'll have a pint of 0+. Bartender asks third vampire what he'd like - he says he'll have a pint of plasma. So the bartender says - let me see if I've got this right - that's two bloods and one blood lite.<br><br>
Posted by: Lori

Re: Ham and Cheese - 11/09/02 08:42 PM

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!" <br>After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"<br><br><br><br>
Posted by: MrsJonnyCat

Re: Ham and Cheese - 11/09/02 08:47 PM

LOL! That's funny, but corny! (that's a good thing!)<br><br>
Posted by: Swatcat

Re: Ham and Cheese - 11/10/02 03:21 AM

3 blondes walk into a bar....you would have thought at least ONE of them would duck.<br><br>
Posted by: MacGizmo

Re: Ham and Cheese - 11/10/02 06:59 AM

At least 10 blondes would be needed for the law of averages to take over! <br><br>[color:red] Kiss My Banana!</font color=red><br>Visit me here!
Posted by: hayesk

Re: Ham and Cheese - 11/10/02 08:11 AM

Hickory Dickory Dock<br>Three mice ran up the clock.<br>The clock struck one,<br>but the other two escaped with minor injuries.<br><br>
Posted by: Swatcat

Re: Ham and Cheese - 11/10/02 08:39 AM

<br><br>Two cows in a field talking to each other:<br><br>First cow: Hey, do you ever worry about getting mad cow disease?<br><br>Second cow: Nah, i'm a penguin<br><br>
Posted by: rman

Re: Ham and Cheese - 11/11/02 01:20 PM

After every flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The form is a piece of paper that the pilot completes, and then the mechanics read and correct the problem.<br><br>They then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.<br><br>Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, as submitted by QUANTAS pilots, and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had<br>an accident.<br><br>P = The problem logged by the pilot.<br>S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.<br>P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.<br>S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.<br>P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.<br>S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.<br>P: Something loose in cockpit.<br>S: Something tightened in cockpit.<br>P: Dead bugs on windshield.<br>S: Live bugs on back-order.<br>P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.<br>S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.<br>P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.<br>S: Evidence removed.<br>P: DME volume unbelievably loud.<br>S: DME volume set to more believable level.<br>P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.<br>S: That's what they're there for.<br>P: IFF inoperative.<br>S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.<br>P: Suspected crack in windshield.<br>S: Suspect you're right.<br>P: Number 3 engine missing.<br>S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.<br>P: Aircraft handles funny.<br>S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.<br>P: Target radar hums.<br>S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.<br>P: Mouse in cockpit.<br>S: Cat installed.<br><br>
Posted by: rman

Re: Ham and Cheese - 11/11/02 01:42 PM

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline) <br><br>Linda, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. <br><br>When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. <br><br>She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. And, yes, Linda is a blonde<br><br>