I'll start it off<br>-------------------------<br><br><br>Bad Headache <br><br><br>The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure <br>your headaches. The bad news is that it will require <br>castration. <br><br>You have a very rare condition, which causes your <br>testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure <br>creates one heck of a headache. The only way to <br>relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.' <br><br>Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had <br>anything to live for. He had no choice but to go <br>under the knife. <br><br>When he left the hospital, he was without a headache <br>for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he <br>was missing an important part of himself. As he <br>walked down the street, he realized that he felt <br>like a different person. He could make a new <br>beginning and live a new life. <br><br>He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's <br>what I need... a new suit.' <br><br><br><br>He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like <br>a new suit.' The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and <br>said, 'Let's see...size 44 long.' <br><br>Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' <br><br>'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said. <br>Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly. <br><br>As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman <br>asked, 'How about a new shirt?' <br><br>Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.' <br><br>The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves <br>and 16-1/2 neck.' <br><br>Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?' <br><br>' Been in the business 60 years.' <br><br>Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. <br><br>Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the <br>salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?' <br><br>Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.' The <br>salesman said, 'Let's see...size 36.' <br><br>Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 <br>since I was 18 years old.' <br><br>The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size <br>34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against <br>the base of your spine and give you one heck of a <br>headache.' <br><br>> New suit - $400 <br>> New shirt - $36 <br>> New underwear - $6 <br>> Second opinion - PRICELESS <br><br><br>I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. <br><br>The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. <br><br>One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs. <br><br>Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts! The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts. <br><br>On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store... <br><br>(Please scroll down) <br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br>What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English! Now get back to your posts <br><br>I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
Loc: Pacific NW, USA
A little hospital fun...<br><br>A young woman was in the hospital, recovering from major surgery. She hated being stuck in the tiny little room all day and to make matters worse, the daily routine was starting to get to her. Every morning, for example, the nurse would bring her breakfast (which always consisted of an egg, piece of toast, and glass of apple juice). She would then return a little bit later to empty the urine bottle.<br><br><br>And so it continued...<br><br><br>Finally, one morning, she decided to have a little fun. She ate the eggs and the toast, but went to the bathroom where she cleaned the urine bottle out, then poured the apple juice into it. When the nurse returned later that morning, he took a look at the bottle and a frown came over his face.<br><br><br>"Obviously, you enjoyed your breakfast, but something must be wrong because this looks a little cloudy," he said, pointing to the urine bottle.<br><br><br>"Oh, really?" the patient replied, picking up the bottle in question and putting it to her lips. "In that case, we’d better run it through again..."<br><br>oh yeah, that's going in the blog
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.<br><br>The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once<br>in a while "the lights would turn off."<br><br>Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.<br><br>However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.<br><br>She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the<br>restroom?<br><br>The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a<br>statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."<br><br>"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.<br><br>So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.<br><br>After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped<br>just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. !<br><br>She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did<br>they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"<br><br>"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you<br>like a drink?"<br><br>"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.<br><br>"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig<br>leaf on that statue, the lights go out.<br><br><br>Now, how about that drink?"<br><br><br>
WOMEN'S REVENGE<br> <br>'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.<br>As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.<br>'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.<br>'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally<br><br>
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.<br><br>Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.<br>BULLS-EYE! "I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"<br><br>So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football. When the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother. <br><br>"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"<br>"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son!"<br>"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."<br>"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"<br>The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!" <br><br>
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to<br>make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them <br>as clergy. <br><br><br>As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really<br>outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they <br>went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. <br><br><br>They were sitting on beach chairs,enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the <br>scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a topless bikini came <br>walking straight towards them. <br><br>They couldn't help but stare. <br><br>As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father ~ <br>Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, <br>then she passed on by. <br><br>They were both stunned. <br><br>How in the world did she know they were priests? <br><br>So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more <br>outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even <br>saw them! <br><br>Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the <br>sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different <br>colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. <br><br>Again she nodded at each of them, said"Good morning, Father ~ Good <br>morning, Father," and started to walk away. <br><br>One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, <br>young lady." <br><br>"Yes, Father?" <br><br>"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you <br>know we are priests, dressed as we are?" <br><br>She replied,"Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen."<br><br>I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
WHO DOES WHAT <br><br>A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. <br><br>The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. <br><br>The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." <br><br>Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." <br><br>Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." <br><br>So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ....... "HEBREWS" <br><br><br><br><br><br>Don't be too circumspective - you'll end up traveling slower than the speed of life.
The Bill of Rights doesn't grant us our rights, it merely enumerates them.
Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.<br><br>As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the young blonde woman a question. "Before we order," the tourist said, "Could you settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are . . . very slowly?" <br><br>The blonde leaned over the counter and said, "Brrrrrr, grrrrrr, Kiiiing."<br> <br><br>dave<br><br>
There are 10 kinds of people. Those that understand binary and those that don't.
A Green Bay Packer fan in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a joke about Minnesota Vikings fans?"<br><br>The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke you should know something. I'm 6' tall and 220 pounds and I'm a Vikings fan. <br>The guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, 240 pounds and he's a Vikings fan. And the guy sitting next to him is 6'5", 280 pounds and he's a Vikings fan, too. <br>Now, do you still wanna tell that joke?"<br><br>The Packer fan says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."<br><br>
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