On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple are involved in a fatal <br>car accident. The couple find themselve sitting outside the Pearly Gates <br>waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin <br>to wonder Could they possibly get married in Heaven<br><br>When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This <br>is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.<br><br>The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple <br>are still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to <br>get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it <br>doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"<br><br>After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat <br>bedraggled. Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."<br><br>"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't <br>work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"<br><br>St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.<br><br>"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.<br><br>"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest <br>up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a LAWYER?"<br><br>I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
The local church needed a bell ringer and ran a help wanted ad. The gentleman that answered the ad seemed sincere, but the priest pointed out that the applicant had no arms. "How can you ring the bell, considering your disability?" "Let me demonstrate," the gentleman answered. They both climbed to the top of the bell tower and the applicant took a hard run, face first into the bell, producing a mighty ring. "Ah, I admire your approach," the priest said. "The job is yours."<br><br>Several months later, there was a tragic accident. The bell ringer, performing his duties with usual due diligence, overshot his mark, flew off the top of the bell tower and fell to his death. A crowd gathered around the body, both curious and concerned. "Who is this poor unfortunate that fell from the tower?" someone asked. Another answered, "I don't know, but his face rings a bell."<br><br>Several months passed, the bell tower was silent and then one day another job applicant appeared at the church. "Oh my!" exclaimed the priest. "You, too, have no arms! And yet you apply for the job of bell ringer?" "Yes," answered the new applicant. "You see, the poor gentleman who fell to his death from your bell tower was my twin brother. I know I can do the job as well as he. Shall I demonstrate?" The priest replied, "No, no, I have no doubt that you will do as fine a job as your departed brother."<br><br>But fate can be cruel, and several weeks later, this bell ringer also fell to his death. And again, the crowd gathered around his broken body and wondered how such an awful accident could have happened yet again. "Another man has fallen to his death from the bell tower!" they lamented. "Who, who could this poor wretch have been?" A voice called out from the crowd, "I don't know, but he's a dead ringer for the other fellow."<br><br><br><br>Inspiration provided by Cherry Rings. Groans are on the house.<br><br><br><br><br><br><br>[color:white]xx</font color=white>[color:blue]I always deserve it. Really.</font color=blue><br><br>
_________________________ I always deserve it. Really.
The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office.<br>The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.<br>The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'<br>I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Ralph. 'How about a demonstration?'<br>The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'<br>Ralph says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'<br>The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'<br>Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.<br>The auditor's jaw drops.<br>Ralph says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'<br>Now the auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.<br>Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.<br>The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.<br>'Want to go double or nothing?' Ralph asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop any where in between.'<br>The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.<br>Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.<br>The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.<br>'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.<br>'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summonsed for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and p*ss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.'<br><br>[color:green]"...or am I a butterfly that's dreaming she's a woman?"</font color=green> [color:green]. . . _ _ _ . . .</font color=green><br>
THE BOTTLE OF WINE<br><br>Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.<br><br>Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail; until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.<br><br>"What in bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."<br><br>The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade."<br><br><br>
A pirate goes into a bar with a steering wheel on the front of his pants.<br><br>The bartender asks" Why do you have a steering wheel on the front of your pants?<br><br>Pirate says " Why? Because it drives me nuts!"<br><br>dave<br><br><br><br>
If we don't count our blessings We are just wasting our time
It was fun being a baby boomer... until now. Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include: <br><br>Herman's Hermits--- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker. <br>Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends. <br>The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip. <br>Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash. <br>Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face. <br>Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now. <br>Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver. <br>The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom. <br>Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts. <br>Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair. <br>Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping. <br>The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone. <br>Abba--- Denture Queen. <br>Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall. <br>Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore. <br>Leslie Gore ---- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To. <br><br>And my favorite: Willie Nelson--- On the Commode Again<br><br><br><br>
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand-motherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'<br><br> The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'<br><br> She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'<br><br> The defense attorney nearly died.<br><br> The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'<br><br>[color:red]</font color=red> [color:orange]</font color=orange> [color:yellow]</font color=yellow> [color:green]</font color=green> [color:blue]</font color=blue> [color:purple]</font color=purple>
_________________________ MACTECHubi dolor ibi digitus
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