Heres my Lease agreement.<br><br>Whats yours is Mine and What is Mine is Mine.<br>Lease agreement.<br>Terms.<br><br>1). Anything I said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments I've made become null and void after seven days.<br><br>2). If something I said can be interpeted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, I meant the other one.<br><br>3). Men are not mind readers and I will never be one. My lack of mine reading ability is not proof of how little I care about you.<br><br>4). Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quest to see if I can find the perfect present yet again!!<br><br>5). Ask for what you want. Lets be clear on this one. Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it! You might get it.<br><br>6). Crying is blackmail.<br><br>7). Shopping is not a sport!! and no I am never going to think of it that way.<br><br>8). Let men ogle, We are going to look anyway, it is genetic.<br><br>9). You can either ask me to do something OR tell me how you want it done: not both.<br><br>10). Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.<br><br>11). Yes peeing standing up is more difficult. I am bound to miss sometimes.<br><br>12). Don’t rub the lamp if you dont want the genie to come out.<br><br>13). Do not ask me what I am thinking about unless you are prepared to dicuss such topics as navel lint, the shot gun formation, and airplanes.<br><br>14). If I ask what is wrong and you say “nothing” I will act like nothings wrong.<br><br>15). No, I do not know what day it is. Men never do. Mark anniversaries on a calender.<br><br>Fine print::<br><br>What yours is mine includes:: Your Anatomy, car, pets, toys, tangibles, intangibles, all your worldly processions, even your time. However I am not responsible for their maintenance or up keep - you are. Whats mine is mine includes:: my anatomy, car, pets, toys, tangibles, intangibles, all my worldly processions, and my time. however I am not responsible for their matenance or up keep - you are. terms stated here is excepted by you at the moment you move in and is cancel the day you move out.<br><br>
Yes Lori - I agree - the boys are a little feistier than usual today - whatever shall we do with them?<br><br>oh BTW Shoosh - your CV joints look a little worn...<br><br>[color:red]The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.</font color=red><br>
#15 Women remember EVERYTHING. Our brains are crammed with significant dates. Well... significant to us anyway.<br><br>Men couldn't care less about the past. The present and future is all that's important to them.<br><br>Women hold grudges for very long periods of time. Guys usually don't.<br><br>
Loc: In Your Servers
A couple had been married for 50 years.<br>They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."<br>Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."<br>I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."<br>Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"<br>Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.<br>You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My breasts are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."<br>I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!<br><br><br><br>
Women Rule... Merry Christmas!<br><br>According to the Alaska Department of Fish and game, while both male and<br>female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year (the only members of the<br>deer family, Cervidae, to have females do so), male reindeer drop their<br>antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December. <br>Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the<br>spring. <br><br>Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's<br>reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen........had to be<br>a female. We should've known.<br><br>Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around<br>the world in one night, and not get lost. <br>------------------------------------------------------------------------<br><br><br><br>
If Women Rule The World<br><br><br>* A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing. <br><br>* Medical research money would be spent on developing new birth control methods for men. <br><br>* Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams. <br><br>* Baby-sitting, doing dishes and making beds would be considered "Macho". <br><br>* The hem of men's pants would go up or down depending on the economy. <br><br>* Men would be forced to purchase overpriced clothes every season. <br><br>* Minnie Mouse would get equal billing with Mickey. <br><br>* Fewer women would be dieting because the ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds. <br><br>* Overweight men would be encouraged to wear girdles. <br><br>* PMS would be a legitimate defense in court. <br><br>* Men would come with papers showing their true identity, marital and employment status, if they live with their mother, and whether they have had their shots. <br><br>* Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity. <br><br>* Men would get reputations for sleeping around. <br><br>* "Ms Magazine" would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models. <br><br>* Men who designed women's shoes would be forced to wear them. <br><br>* Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime. <br><br>* Men would be as attentive AFTER marriage as they were before. <br><br>* Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit. <br><br>* Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks". <br><br>* Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women make. <br><br>* Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas. <br><br>* Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures. <br><br>* Men would learn phrases like: I'm sorry, I love you, You're beautiful, Of course you don't look fat in that outfit, Go to sleep-I'll take care of the baby, etc. <br><br>* Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments. <br><br>* Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking. <br><br>* Men would pay as much attention to their women as their cars. <br><br>* All toilet seats would be nailed down. (Yea!) <br><br>* Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers. <br><br>* TV news segments on sports would never run longer than one minute. <br><br>* All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator. <br><br>* Men would have their wedding rings permanently attached so they can't pretend to be single. <br><br>* During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19 year old men. <br><br>* Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly. <br><br>
*How are husbands like lawn mowers?<br>They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.<br><br>How can you tell when a man is well hung?<br>When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.<br><br>How do men define a "50/50" relationship?<br>We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.<br><br>How do men exercise on the beach?<br>By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.<br><br>How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?<br>Make him wear shoes.<br><br>How does a man show he's planning for the future?<br>He buys two cases of beer instead of one.<br><br>How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?<br>All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.<br><br>How many men does it take to open a beer?<br>None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.<br><br>How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?<br>One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.<br><br>How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?<br>Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.<br><br>How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?<br>Two. If you slice them very thinly.<br><br>What did God say after creating man?<br>I can do so much better.<br><br>What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?<br>Any place without a drive-up window.<br><br>What do you call a handcuffed man?<br>Trustworthy.<br><br>What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?<br>You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.<br><br>What do you call a man with half a brain?<br>Gifted.<br><br>What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's ...nis?<br>His body.<br><br>What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?<br>Exchange him.<br><br>What makes a man think about a candelight dinner?<br>A power failure.<br><br>What should you give a man who has everything?<br>A woman to show him how to work it.<br><br>What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?<br>His wife is good at picking out clothes.<br><br>What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?<br>Four guys watching a football game.<br><br>What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?<br>The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.<br><br>What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?<br>Sex.<br><br>What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?<br>Telling you his real name.<br><br>What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?<br>Put the remote control between his toes.<br><br>What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?<br>Big Foot's been spotted a several times.<br><br>What's the smartest thing a man can say?<br>"My wife says..."<br><br>What's the quickest way to a man's heart?<br>Straight through the rib cage.<br><br>Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?<br>So men can understand them.<br><br>Why can't men get mad cow disease?<br>Because they're all pigs.<br><br>Why did God create man before woman?<br>He didn't want any advice. <br><br>Why did God create man before woman?<br>Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece. <br><br>Why do blonde women have bruises around their navels?<br>Blonde men are stupid too.<br><br>Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?<br>To knock the ...ises off the smart ones.<br><br>Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?<br>To stop the snoring before it starts.<br><br>Why do jocks play on artificial turf?<br>To keep them from grazing.<br><br>Why do little boys whine? <br>Because they are practicing to be men.<br><br>Why do men have a hole in their ...is?<br>So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.<br><br>Why do men like smart women?<br>Opposites attract.<br><br>Why do men name their penises?<br>Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.<br><br>Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?<br>Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.<br><br>Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?<br>Because if they all went, it would be Hell.<br><br>Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?<br>Because not one will stop and ask for directions.<br><br>Why does the doctor hit the baby's behind when it is born?<br>To knock the balls off the smart ones.<br><br>Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?<br>They all already have boyfriends.<br><br>Why is it good that there are female astronauts?<br>When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.<br><br>Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?<br>When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.<br><br>
I don't think I have ever heard a guy say he was "sorry". I think they all missed that word in English class. I think you are supposed to read their minds sometimes. <br>Guys, don't blame us if we get it wrong sometimes. <br><br>
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