Republican National Convention Schedule<br><br>New York, NY<br><br>6:00 PM Opening Prayer, led by the Rev. Jerry Falwell<br>6:30 PM Pledge of Allegiance<br>6:35 PM Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd<br>amendment)<br>6:45 PM Salute to the Coalition of the Willing<br>6:46 PM Seminar #1: Getting your kid a military<br>deferment<br>7:30 PM First Presidential Beer Bong<br>7:35 PM Serve Freedom Fries<br>7:40 PM EPA Address #1: Mercury, it's what's for<br>dinner<br>8:00 PM Vote on which country to invade next<br>8:10 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh<br>8:15 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: The Homos are after<br>your children<br>8:30 PM Roundtable discussion on reproductive rights<br>(MEN only)<br>8:50 PM Seminar #2: Corporations: the government of<br>the future<br>9:00 PM Condi Rice sings "I Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man"<br>9:05 PM Second Presidential Beer Bong<br>9:10 PM EPA Address #2 Trees: the real cause of forest<br>fires<br>9:30 PM Break for secret meetings<br>10:00 PM Second prayer, led by Cal Thomas<br>10:15 PM Lecture by Karl Rove: Doublespeak made easy<br>10:30 PM Rumsfeld demonstration: How to squint and<br>talk macho<br>10:35 PM Bush demonstration of trademark<br>deer-in-headlights stare<br>10:40 PM John Ashcroft demonstrates new mandatory<br>Kevlar chastity belt<br>10:45 PM Clarence Thomas reads list of black<br>Republicans<br>10:46 PM Third Presidential Beer Bong<br>10:50 PM Seminar #3: Education: a drain on our<br>nation's economy<br>11:10 PM Hilary Clinton Pinata<br>11:20 PM Second John Ashcroft Lecture: Evolutionists:<br>the dangerous new cult<br>11:30 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again<br>11:35 PM Blame Clinton<br>11:40 PM Laura serves milk and cookies<br>11:50 PM Closing Prayer, led by Jesus Himself<br>12:00 AM Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme<br>Planetary Overlord<br><br><br>
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